agirlaguyandadog

Fear is the path to the dark side.
Fear leads to anger.
Anger leads to hate.
Hate leads to suffering.
--- Yoda

1. This may not please you.
2. If me contacting an old boyfriend while i have the most wonderful, pleasing, amazingly sexy man in the universe doesnt please you, dont read on.
3. the emails were perfectly INNOCENT.
4. I dont really know why I contacted him. I know why---

a)I guess sometimes I wonder about the attention D gives me.
b)what can he really do from another country?
c)I am not sure. he does all he can-- and for this I am so grateful
d)but i am sad and lonely without him.
e)and i honestly honestly did want to see what mr. ex was up to. that was all.
f) I am nervous. a griflriend of mine just had her boyfriend fly all the way over here from the states and then he breaks up with her. just like that. dumps her.
g) a tiny part of me wants to know why this boyfriend dumped me.

rom:
To: <_______@hotmail.com>
Subject: re: hi- do you check this?
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 2004 13:11:45 -0000

Hey hey--

how are you? how is school? working? what do you do in cc? are you doing
anything
new and exciting for christmas? how's your family? how is fabian? everyone
else???

i had some wierd dream about a party in some field. some girl who looked
like boof
was the singer in your band. and you had an eyepatch.

france is cold.

my parents beachhouse disaster appears to be winding down. my nephew is
speaking
now, and my sister says it creeps her out. i always new she was not fit for
procreation.
what will she do when he starts other human qualities?

work is busy, and school is not-- i cant believe it but i appear to be
heading to law
school in the fall. thats should be, um, boring.

i have secret wishes of being on a beach in tahiti instead.

i am actually considering going to see megadeth in the netherlands in
january. now
before you start laughing, i have no idea why i want to do this, other then
it seems like
fun....will be fun...and since i have been asking myself, 'sober much?' so
is dave
mustaine good enough to kick my butt back into shape? probably.

i will be home sometime after february/ late february-- if you take me out
for a drink i
will bring you a megadeth present.

the big banana


JL <_________@hotmail.com> said:

How weird is this....I was thinking about you the other day (like this week)
and had intentions of e-mailing you but just didn't get to it. You know how
that goes. Anyways, it's good to hear from you. Did you hear about
Dimebag Darrell, one of the greatest guitarists of all time, the guitarist
for what used to be Pantera and is now Damageplan? Some loser shot and
killed him at a show while the band was starting their first song of the
night. Seriously, bad news for a metal head. It's kinda weird cuz I
actually felt down or a little funny today cuz of it.

I'm in finals this and next week for school. It's almost over. I'm working
at an environmental testing laboratory. Been there for almost three months
now and it pretty much sucks just like the pay.

BUT!!!!!, I just got a job offer this week as an Environmental, Health, and
Safety Engineer for a company called BORAL Material Technologies. I'll be
moving to San Antonio; supposed to start in the beginning of Jan. Great
pay!, a new truck, all relocation expenses paid as well as a $1000
relocation bonus!, great benefits, lots of travel across the state as well
as within the country. I haven't formally accepted yet, only because I
haven't received their formal offer (in writing) yet..all done over the
phone thus far. I'd be a fool not to. But ya, finally a break. I'm not
sure what I'll do with school. I'm going to try and keep it going but we'll
see how it works out. Their sending me to California for two weeks to a
school in January.

So, law school? Where at? which school? Are you in school now? Think
you'll stay in France forever?

All the family and friends are good. Carlos is almost out. Fabian is good
(trying to get in with the Tx DPS (trooper). have you heard about Georgia
and her big ordeal (I feel like a liva)?

Hey, I better get going. I've got stats to study. keep in touch big banana

hasta luego,
wolf man





So. he is doing wonderfully. was i innocent to mention i'd have a drink with him? no. but-- we are still friends, and we did date for almost 4 years. and he is a great guy.

but-- getting this email, well, to be honest- it makes me feel very happy that we are not together---and that i have D.

As much as I know JL was a wonderful person--is a wonderful person-- D is my D. and yes, it is nice to know that an old boyfriend is doing well, but it is also nice to know that after recieving this email, i dont feel anythin at all-- just happy for him.

I love D. I am proud of D. he makes me happy endlessly. I am happy I found an old friend.

kiss
la parisienne

dad: No did not know someone could chew off someone's thumb.

m: No. not chewed off, just chewed on. it was disgusting.

dad: did she get a rabies shot?

m: no I dont think she did. i dont know. (is that a legitimate question, i wonder?)

(before work this morning i ran into my roommate in the doorstep, obviously obliterated and mindlessly asleep. she was bloody. she said she had lost her keys. someone had bitten her thumb.

at this point, to save myself from sounding hopelessly cruel and wicked, i have to say that all of this took place at 3:15 am.

the thumb looked nasty. her boyfriend had chewed it up apparently. i woke up our landlady, and she and the rommmate ran off to to the hospital. now i am home again, and the roommate has 28 stitches, or so she says---i didnt count--and pain killers.

and her creepy boyfriend, who is the most revolting hannibal lector creature that i know he did this, had promised her a fur coat.

she is extremely happy about the fur coat and painkillers. in one day. she does not mention or comment on her thumb when i tell her goodnight. she motions for me to come closer to her, and puts a (nonbandaged) pointer finger on her lips, to tell me to be quiet. on the rug in front of her, she has built a 4 tiered high house of cards.

i am wondering about the fur coat and fur coat etiquette when i realize i will get no where doing this. so i called my dad.


he's in his office, apparently not paying attention to work, since he will speak to me.

hence the rabies question.)

dad: well nana, sounds insane.

m: it was.

dad: (mindless financial talk)

m: dad, did you ever want to be famous?

dad: no.

m: hmm.

dad: well, this call is costly. need anything from home?

m: no.

dad: mariana, you know you are the girl everyone always cheers for.

m: hmm?

dad: so um, i better go now- sorry, but call me anytime. (obviously uncomfortable that he has vocalized any concern, affection, human emotion)

m: oh. okay. well, tell everyone i said hi.

dad: watch your thumbs.

m: ha. I will.byebye.

dad: ciao


(I hang up and look at the clock. 12:44. have to be at work in 3 hours. I am the girl everyone cheers for? thats kind of cool. i feel rooted on, like someone has done a bad cheer and spelled my name, hand motions, jumps, cartwheels.




You owe it to yourself to be the best you can possibly be - in baseball and in life.
--Pete Rose)

1. i love that he laughs after i gargle when i am brushing my teeth.
2. i love how he stirs drinks with his finger.
3. i love that he is a teacher.
4. i love how he lets me walk as slow as i'd like.
5. i love how he actually enjoys my singing.

Dear Mom, Yuni, and Grandma--

I have found a new obsession for hair removal. i pluck at my eyebrows like there will never be another pair of tweezers available in this world. its only a way to control the fact that i have no idea what i am doing with my life or my extremely expensive degree.

but sheesh. i will have like one eyebrow hair poking out when i get back to the states. a single, solitary eyebrow hair will announce to the world that i have mutilated the eyebrows god gave me because i was out of control with my tweezers.

sigh, with only one eyebrown hair, you know this means i will have to paint some on. i can get little stencils. and paint on different types for different moods---

you know, surprised would be really high and rounded, angry would be straight and narrow, skeptical would be only one up and arched.

i could even get a stencil for smiling eyebrows on days i have to see small children so i dont scare them.

that is about all that is happening in france,

i miss you guys,
i hope everyone is well and i hope you all know i pray for you.

love,

mariana

the french.


i am still on the point of nervous breakdown. i wonder
if i should just jump ship? i dont know. i am worried
about how much strain i put on my emotional self---you
know, worries about just falling over. its strange,
but i keep thinking about this girl i knew in
college--i told you about her, her name was laura? she
got all crazy on cocaine and then started bringing
home male strippers, etc--she went to rehab and then
snuck out and got drunk and hit someone with a car.
and now her parents have just ditched her.
and she writes everyone these wierd crazy emails---she
has just lost it. i wonder if she was bipolar all
along?

okay. i dont think i am bipolar, nor am i on the path
of destruction she is on. I work, go to school, look
at sales, worry about law school, and call my
boyfriend sappy names: but i do worry that this point
of life is kind of a teetering stage over the edge. i
guess i kind of feel like going crazy like laura did?
i dont know. i wont be going crazy, but yes--as i am
sure you know, sometimes it seems like a nice release.

then, i guess to make me laugh, d tells me that the
car we are driving home to texas from his parents
house has vanity plates that say, 'la sirena'

so i have stopped worrying about me having
the funny family........i love this vanity plates idea.

so. to my clan: what can we do to top this mermaid car???
well, i guess we'll try our hardest.

i am already crying about christmas. egad. humbug?

o man. o paris.

just a
bedroom, minimal kitchen use, and three minute showers
ever other day (le madame's rules)

so????? ahhh life.

what we do when hurdles are in the way defines us,
right?

but my hurdle is a landlady on morphine--
i have fantasies of spraying her with the bathroom hose.

yes, hose.-- the bathroom situation--maybe that is
my biggest problem with france? why oh why only 3
minutes? the thing is, all we have is a tub--and no
shower curtain, just a hose and a tub.

what can you do in three minutes with a hose? and no
curtain?

i guess just make sure you wash what's
important........

After much whining over the Paris weather, I wrote my mom an impossibly long email crying over life stress and general crappiness.

I included some comments about pangs of guilt I have ben having over incidents in my car----um, ticket incidents.

The funniest thing is, she forgot about them.

But, she wrote me what is perhaps a lesson for your life too:



Dear daughter around the world,
I'm really sorry that you are feeling these stresses and that you are
not in
the place you want to be. I mean the mental place you wnt to be.

I know--the state of the world is insane and problems like countertops
and
shit like that are so inconsequential as to be absurd, but what can I
say?
This is how the karmic wheel turns so love and live and observe and
teach
and continue. El tren de la vida avanza--that is what my Calderon
grandfather always said...so we live, we die, we love, we go insane, we
procreate and we create, we plant seeds and we sow.
You will succeed.
If you can, step back--if not to say, well all will be ok, then just to
breathe.
What tickets? I don't know what tickets you're talking about?

Mariana, you may feel white-ified, but well if you do, you do and if
you
are, you are. It is a strang world we live in and I think we are all
strangers in a strange land. Now that I have a gringo progeny (so to
speak)
I am mellowing in my old age (I will be half a century day after
tomorrow)
and it's all good. Write what's real. Do you want to be a lawyer?
Make
money?Change the world? Do what you have to to get where you want to
be.
I don't think poodle beauty shops are up your alley, but what do I
know?
Look at your sister..what strange paths she has taken to end up on the
same
road...an MD and an indeterminate professional career....in hair coloring?.......as a mom.--well, Do
you
remember what venom she threw my way when she hated me?
Of course, I believe you can never eat too much bread, if it is good
bread
and not Pan Bimbo.
I had high cholesterol last month and have been on the forced oatmeal
for
breakfast diet since October.
Manuel and I watch network tv, what could be worse?
Mi amor, you will never be the hija mala because all my children are
;the
best, the most beautiful, the smartest in the world. Love, y un
abrazo
fuerte de la mama mala.

hi d!

deja vu. It means, literally, that I've already seen
this (it, her, him..) But its argued over-- because
who knows what it really means-- its a creepy feeling
of having already been somewhere or done something,
right? Freud said it was miraculous-- but it's
nondiscriminatory, everyone gets it. I think quacks
think its from a past life--some think its a temporary
lapse in your brain...like you are getting the order
of something wrong--and instead of taking in the
information, you store it as a memory and
simultaneously take in a new scene and think you are
remembering the scene. but its a pretty cool trick. i
remember being absoultely smitten by my mom when she
explained why i felt like i had already seen
something-- i thought she must be the coolest person
in the world to have such lofty and dreamy thoughts.

deja vu-- today i had the wierdest feeling i had been
somewhere-- a corner of the apartment before. the
exact spot. exact view. already seen it, already had
the idea of where to find my keychain since it had
slipped off my keys.

and there it was.

but d, aside from dejavu-- do you know what you
are to me? you're that feeling--only not quite.
because deja vu doesnt garuntee a feeling of belonging
somewhere--just a feeling of having seen or done
something before-- in the case of the keys, it was
kind of like a , oh next i will look here and find
them feeling--

not quite the sigh, breathe out, perfectly content
feeling you give me.

the morning in the funny place our dog helped us in at
ko samet--after our drunken *meal* on the beach? when we
woke up, i looked up, and didnt want to move, didnt
want you to move...just wanted to stay there, even in
that funny cardboard and fabric place---even with all
the noise, even if we both stunk of drunkies who went
to bed without brushing...i just knew, in that moment,
that feeling of deja vu--but , deja life.i had the
feeling of being there with you before, but also had
the feeling that i would have a million more mornings
with you, d, a lifetime of them--and every one i
would wake up feeling exactly the same way, with the
extreme pleasure and almost disbelief that its you in
my arms. and get to fall in love with you all over
again.

hopefully our future will not be as noisy, hmmmm?
but--
you are lovely--each time i feel you in the morning.
each time i wake up and you're not here, i look for
you anwyay.

so i will say that you are est, fut, sera.

are, was, and will be. and this will be my new
francophone addition to the english language.much
better then deja vu, i think. and freud cant screw
with that much.

love you,
mariana

Dear Mariana mariana mariana my french sister---


This week was a nice break, but I kept waking up in
terror about all the bills and resbonsiblites I left
in Austin. Say started new daycare today, sorry I
have not emailed you sooner but we have been juggling
Mr. Say and running around like a chicken with my head
cut off. So this Monday I went and visited Betty and
Mamo....Mamo just had gall bladder surgery, they
told me thay would sit for new Mariana and I thought
that that would be a great cryptic intro for my email
to you. Not a comment that you should move home with
betty.

So I spent 5 days with mom and meanie Mem, we
fight now, you would not believe how teenage and evil
he has gotten. he is also the expert on how I neglect
my son, so there. Actually I know he loves say but
now that Say talks so much he orders mem around and
Mem gets sick of it.

We went last weekend too and we
went out to eat with pam and the highschool kids. Say
was sitting with Pam mom and me and he yells Mem sit
here and pats the chair next to him. Then on Monday
as we were leaving he went to the new high school
and visited Virgie and mem happens to be in that
class, we mortified him by mom and I entering
unannounced. Then Say marsupials onto Mem and won't
go with me.

So I was soo jealous that Stupid Dan the
man got to talk to you and not me. That ass acused me
of ordering everyone around, I was of course, but
noone should expect to show up for turkey and do
nothing. So mom made 4 turkeys and Nina brought one, I
spent most of my time deboning the turkey and sitting
with Say and the Huerta's kids.

So they were all there the Huertas , Jackie's familia and us, no Cynthia
she was sick and went to H-town to visit very preg-gg
Diana and Gabe.

Di will name her son Luciano, Luz for
short, he will be born on April 18th next year. Back
to Turkey day. I drank a shit load and was rude to
Tony and David that little ahole stayed away from me.

Stupid Tony fed Bonnie a raw oyster from Mom's kick
ass fresh oyster stuffing and she puked. I was so
pissed I belive I gave dad an ulitmatium at one point
to tell me who fed it to her so I could kick their
ass. Eric found out it was Tony later.

Bonnie probably annoyed Mom to shreds, but she stayed outside
and is a good dog. Spider on the other hand is a rat
with ears, Lisa had him inside on Mom's lap. Mom
played it off like " I didn't call you, dog."

But she has a soft spot for Lisa. Jackie and Dan told me
Ashlee could live with me this summer 3 months I will
get to have a buddy to go to class with yaeh! and a
built in sitter even better. Ash was with her mom, so
I didn't get to see her.

We saw Grandpa, he looks so
cute in bed, so small and fiesty. But they should be
going home today or tommorrow.

Dave was moody and wierd, as you know the
rest of our brothers are assholes...
Omar looked great. Crystal's baby is Say's clone.
Say loved him and even sucked his toes, cause I
tiold him to kiss his feet....... So Say went shrimping. Then when
he did kiss his face he was like yum a little breast
fed candy. Red stayed up and shot the religous shit
with Dan and Dad, you missed it.

We missed you alot,
sorry your in crisis in Paris....

Don't worry about going where you wanted to go..where
you will go.....if it is in the cards you will get in, you will get
fin aid eventually and you will adjust to living as a
student, which is the most fun thing in the world,
anywhere you go as you can prove.

LA whatthe hell is in LA............. a
good deal ? you would be perfect in entertainment law
you know, I know a hairstylist out there.

So did you finish apps and send money, you need to tell me??
Mom is okay, she needs some TLC from you, she misses you alot
that email I am responding to is so nice

sorry!
I just got a gooey pizza delivered and it is
hampering my typing. Artichoke anchovy basil andolive
yum! with red pepper flakes and parm of course I am a
piggy American after all. Oh go eat stek tartare for
me while your there. So She's bummed and misses you
and Omar is a goof he was like I told you not to send
her, Mom What you never told me that, Omar I told you
to send ME. Har har.

We are extremely lucky, Mom and
Dad will be unrecognizable when you get back as will
you. You are a smart privledged and wonderful person,
you will succed at what ever you do,

........................................................Even if you join
a cult. like i told crystal as long as you pay your
bills and are happy most of the time no one can tell
you anything.

Race.... Well none with a college degree
is who they were when they left their small town, but
they will never not be that small town girl in the big
city, so don't worry---- work on yourself and live life as
an activist, (thats what you are. stop this whining.)
Help others and you will be happy-- you are happy honey.

so this was long
enough huh, I'll write more tommorrow.


Yuni-baboonie