hi d!

deja vu. It means, literally, that I've already seen
this (it, her, him..) But its argued over-- because
who knows what it really means-- its a creepy feeling
of having already been somewhere or done something,
right? Freud said it was miraculous-- but it's
nondiscriminatory, everyone gets it. I think quacks
think its from a past life--some think its a temporary
lapse in your brain...like you are getting the order
of something wrong--and instead of taking in the
information, you store it as a memory and
simultaneously take in a new scene and think you are
remembering the scene. but its a pretty cool trick. i
remember being absoultely smitten by my mom when she
explained why i felt like i had already seen
something-- i thought she must be the coolest person
in the world to have such lofty and dreamy thoughts.

deja vu-- today i had the wierdest feeling i had been
somewhere-- a corner of the apartment before. the
exact spot. exact view. already seen it, already had
the idea of where to find my keychain since it had
slipped off my keys.

and there it was.

but d, aside from dejavu-- do you know what you
are to me? you're that feeling--only not quite.
because deja vu doesnt garuntee a feeling of belonging
somewhere--just a feeling of having seen or done
something before-- in the case of the keys, it was
kind of like a , oh next i will look here and find
them feeling--

not quite the sigh, breathe out, perfectly content
feeling you give me.

the morning in the funny place our dog helped us in at
ko samet--after our drunken *meal* on the beach? when we
woke up, i looked up, and didnt want to move, didnt
want you to move...just wanted to stay there, even in
that funny cardboard and fabric place---even with all
the noise, even if we both stunk of drunkies who went
to bed without brushing...i just knew, in that moment,
that feeling of deja vu--but , deja life.i had the
feeling of being there with you before, but also had
the feeling that i would have a million more mornings
with you, d, a lifetime of them--and every one i
would wake up feeling exactly the same way, with the
extreme pleasure and almost disbelief that its you in
my arms. and get to fall in love with you all over
again.

hopefully our future will not be as noisy, hmmmm?
but--
you are lovely--each time i feel you in the morning.
each time i wake up and you're not here, i look for
you anwyay.

so i will say that you are est, fut, sera.

are, was, and will be. and this will be my new
francophone addition to the english language.much
better then deja vu, i think. and freud cant screw
with that much.

love you,
mariana