agirlaguyandadog

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6761894/

i stayed at this hotel. c and myself had some crazy drunken episode on the ground of this hotel...my ankle appeared to be broken, but i was only drunkenly claiming this injury.

now this gorgeous paradise is this? how will these countries be relieved? why do things like this happen? i will not feed apocolytpic thoughts here, but the day this was happening, it snowed in south texas.

2005.

1) 1 strange fight with d. was that a fight? i dont know. i feel lame....i have girl written all over me. but seriously, i have girl who misses boy terribly written all over me...as i write this my chest actually hurts. this is how much d's absence is......but he will be here soon.

2) 2=number of chicken thighs in the chicken soup i made for o and i today. she came over and we had a beer. and she burped. and she said she liked her chicken soup with mashed potatoes....so i made some for her, and she was quite right.

3) 3= number of times martha called janitorial workers at work today to tell them i couldnt be there. i wont protect the innocent- martha martha marth martha. then she emails me to tell me i will be heading to switzerland. --okay, not so bad, but wow- a week and a half before d gets here? and she knows this, everyone knows this-- and right before my finals? who is this woman? she literally is the wicked witch of my life....she must be filing her nails and laughing wickedly as i type this. or pushing little pins into a doll shaped like me.

4) 4 times in the year 2004 i went to the grocery store and waited in line with my handbasket, had the woman ring everything up, and then realized i did not have my wallet.

5) 5= number of emails it took for a guy from my university to ask me to his sports team's formal. wow did he not notice i wasn't at school? all of his emails were quite funny...and cute...but i had to um, decline. seeing that I now live in a foreign country.... is my absentia that unnoticeable? was he like, oh--i know who i can invite, she hasn't been around much, i bet she'd come? I dont know. but i was flattered--beyond flattered, since the real number here should be 5=number of times i have walked by a mirror or reflecting window today and thought i looked like two very hungry cats had attacked me for a ring of kitty fritters around my neck. maybe he asked me because he cant see me?

6) 6= number of notices i have recieved that i am to be moved out of here by the 13th. um. as of now, only me and the madame live here. she MAILED these notices. I began recieving them last month. and received my (final?) latest one on friday.

7) 7= 7:00 pm. time i fell asleep on December 31st, 2004.

8) 8-4=4 (ha! that was witty) 4= number of times i debated whether or not to eat the cookies in the shelf. (they were eaten--but only 2)

9) 90.00 euros. price of birth control! why isnt that stuff free? in the water? then we could hand out licenses for baby making.

ifreed.org

donate to help tsunami victims, please.

Fear is the path to the dark side.
Fear leads to anger.
Anger leads to hate.
Hate leads to suffering.
--- Yoda

1. This may not please you.
2. If me contacting an old boyfriend while i have the most wonderful, pleasing, amazingly sexy man in the universe doesnt please you, dont read on.
3. the emails were perfectly INNOCENT.
4. I dont really know why I contacted him. I know why---

a)I guess sometimes I wonder about the attention D gives me.
b)what can he really do from another country?
c)I am not sure. he does all he can-- and for this I am so grateful
d)but i am sad and lonely without him.
e)and i honestly honestly did want to see what mr. ex was up to. that was all.
f) I am nervous. a griflriend of mine just had her boyfriend fly all the way over here from the states and then he breaks up with her. just like that. dumps her.
g) a tiny part of me wants to know why this boyfriend dumped me.

rom:
To: <_______@hotmail.com>
Subject: re: hi- do you check this?
Date: Thu, 9 Dec 2004 13:11:45 -0000

Hey hey--

how are you? how is school? working? what do you do in cc? are you doing
anything
new and exciting for christmas? how's your family? how is fabian? everyone
else???

i had some wierd dream about a party in some field. some girl who looked
like boof
was the singer in your band. and you had an eyepatch.

france is cold.

my parents beachhouse disaster appears to be winding down. my nephew is
speaking
now, and my sister says it creeps her out. i always new she was not fit for
procreation.
what will she do when he starts other human qualities?

work is busy, and school is not-- i cant believe it but i appear to be
heading to law
school in the fall. thats should be, um, boring.

i have secret wishes of being on a beach in tahiti instead.

i am actually considering going to see megadeth in the netherlands in
january. now
before you start laughing, i have no idea why i want to do this, other then
it seems like
fun....will be fun...and since i have been asking myself, 'sober much?' so
is dave
mustaine good enough to kick my butt back into shape? probably.

i will be home sometime after february/ late february-- if you take me out
for a drink i
will bring you a megadeth present.

the big banana


JL <_________@hotmail.com> said:

How weird is this....I was thinking about you the other day (like this week)
and had intentions of e-mailing you but just didn't get to it. You know how
that goes. Anyways, it's good to hear from you. Did you hear about
Dimebag Darrell, one of the greatest guitarists of all time, the guitarist
for what used to be Pantera and is now Damageplan? Some loser shot and
killed him at a show while the band was starting their first song of the
night. Seriously, bad news for a metal head. It's kinda weird cuz I
actually felt down or a little funny today cuz of it.

I'm in finals this and next week for school. It's almost over. I'm working
at an environmental testing laboratory. Been there for almost three months
now and it pretty much sucks just like the pay.

BUT!!!!!, I just got a job offer this week as an Environmental, Health, and
Safety Engineer for a company called BORAL Material Technologies. I'll be
moving to San Antonio; supposed to start in the beginning of Jan. Great
pay!, a new truck, all relocation expenses paid as well as a $1000
relocation bonus!, great benefits, lots of travel across the state as well
as within the country. I haven't formally accepted yet, only because I
haven't received their formal offer (in writing) yet..all done over the
phone thus far. I'd be a fool not to. But ya, finally a break. I'm not
sure what I'll do with school. I'm going to try and keep it going but we'll
see how it works out. Their sending me to California for two weeks to a
school in January.

So, law school? Where at? which school? Are you in school now? Think
you'll stay in France forever?

All the family and friends are good. Carlos is almost out. Fabian is good
(trying to get in with the Tx DPS (trooper). have you heard about Georgia
and her big ordeal (I feel like a liva)?

Hey, I better get going. I've got stats to study. keep in touch big banana

hasta luego,
wolf man





So. he is doing wonderfully. was i innocent to mention i'd have a drink with him? no. but-- we are still friends, and we did date for almost 4 years. and he is a great guy.

but-- getting this email, well, to be honest- it makes me feel very happy that we are not together---and that i have D.

As much as I know JL was a wonderful person--is a wonderful person-- D is my D. and yes, it is nice to know that an old boyfriend is doing well, but it is also nice to know that after recieving this email, i dont feel anythin at all-- just happy for him.

I love D. I am proud of D. he makes me happy endlessly. I am happy I found an old friend.

kiss
la parisienne

dad: No did not know someone could chew off someone's thumb.

m: No. not chewed off, just chewed on. it was disgusting.

dad: did she get a rabies shot?

m: no I dont think she did. i dont know. (is that a legitimate question, i wonder?)

(before work this morning i ran into my roommate in the doorstep, obviously obliterated and mindlessly asleep. she was bloody. she said she had lost her keys. someone had bitten her thumb.

at this point, to save myself from sounding hopelessly cruel and wicked, i have to say that all of this took place at 3:15 am.

the thumb looked nasty. her boyfriend had chewed it up apparently. i woke up our landlady, and she and the rommmate ran off to to the hospital. now i am home again, and the roommate has 28 stitches, or so she says---i didnt count--and pain killers.

and her creepy boyfriend, who is the most revolting hannibal lector creature that i know he did this, had promised her a fur coat.

she is extremely happy about the fur coat and painkillers. in one day. she does not mention or comment on her thumb when i tell her goodnight. she motions for me to come closer to her, and puts a (nonbandaged) pointer finger on her lips, to tell me to be quiet. on the rug in front of her, she has built a 4 tiered high house of cards.

i am wondering about the fur coat and fur coat etiquette when i realize i will get no where doing this. so i called my dad.


he's in his office, apparently not paying attention to work, since he will speak to me.

hence the rabies question.)

dad: well nana, sounds insane.

m: it was.

dad: (mindless financial talk)

m: dad, did you ever want to be famous?

dad: no.

m: hmm.

dad: well, this call is costly. need anything from home?

m: no.

dad: mariana, you know you are the girl everyone always cheers for.

m: hmm?

dad: so um, i better go now- sorry, but call me anytime. (obviously uncomfortable that he has vocalized any concern, affection, human emotion)

m: oh. okay. well, tell everyone i said hi.

dad: watch your thumbs.

m: ha. I will.byebye.

dad: ciao


(I hang up and look at the clock. 12:44. have to be at work in 3 hours. I am the girl everyone cheers for? thats kind of cool. i feel rooted on, like someone has done a bad cheer and spelled my name, hand motions, jumps, cartwheels.




You owe it to yourself to be the best you can possibly be - in baseball and in life.
--Pete Rose)

1. i love that he laughs after i gargle when i am brushing my teeth.
2. i love how he stirs drinks with his finger.
3. i love that he is a teacher.
4. i love how he lets me walk as slow as i'd like.
5. i love how he actually enjoys my singing.

Dear Mom, Yuni, and Grandma--

I have found a new obsession for hair removal. i pluck at my eyebrows like there will never be another pair of tweezers available in this world. its only a way to control the fact that i have no idea what i am doing with my life or my extremely expensive degree.

but sheesh. i will have like one eyebrow hair poking out when i get back to the states. a single, solitary eyebrow hair will announce to the world that i have mutilated the eyebrows god gave me because i was out of control with my tweezers.

sigh, with only one eyebrown hair, you know this means i will have to paint some on. i can get little stencils. and paint on different types for different moods---

you know, surprised would be really high and rounded, angry would be straight and narrow, skeptical would be only one up and arched.

i could even get a stencil for smiling eyebrows on days i have to see small children so i dont scare them.

that is about all that is happening in france,

i miss you guys,
i hope everyone is well and i hope you all know i pray for you.

love,

mariana

the french.


i am still on the point of nervous breakdown. i wonder
if i should just jump ship? i dont know. i am worried
about how much strain i put on my emotional self---you
know, worries about just falling over. its strange,
but i keep thinking about this girl i knew in
college--i told you about her, her name was laura? she
got all crazy on cocaine and then started bringing
home male strippers, etc--she went to rehab and then
snuck out and got drunk and hit someone with a car.
and now her parents have just ditched her.
and she writes everyone these wierd crazy emails---she
has just lost it. i wonder if she was bipolar all
along?

okay. i dont think i am bipolar, nor am i on the path
of destruction she is on. I work, go to school, look
at sales, worry about law school, and call my
boyfriend sappy names: but i do worry that this point
of life is kind of a teetering stage over the edge. i
guess i kind of feel like going crazy like laura did?
i dont know. i wont be going crazy, but yes--as i am
sure you know, sometimes it seems like a nice release.

then, i guess to make me laugh, d tells me that the
car we are driving home to texas from his parents
house has vanity plates that say, 'la sirena'

so i have stopped worrying about me having
the funny family........i love this vanity plates idea.

so. to my clan: what can we do to top this mermaid car???
well, i guess we'll try our hardest.

i am already crying about christmas. egad. humbug?

o man. o paris.

just a
bedroom, minimal kitchen use, and three minute showers
ever other day (le madame's rules)

so????? ahhh life.

what we do when hurdles are in the way defines us,
right?

but my hurdle is a landlady on morphine--
i have fantasies of spraying her with the bathroom hose.

yes, hose.-- the bathroom situation--maybe that is
my biggest problem with france? why oh why only 3
minutes? the thing is, all we have is a tub--and no
shower curtain, just a hose and a tub.

what can you do in three minutes with a hose? and no
curtain?

i guess just make sure you wash what's
important........

After much whining over the Paris weather, I wrote my mom an impossibly long email crying over life stress and general crappiness.

I included some comments about pangs of guilt I have ben having over incidents in my car----um, ticket incidents.

The funniest thing is, she forgot about them.

But, she wrote me what is perhaps a lesson for your life too:



Dear daughter around the world,
I'm really sorry that you are feeling these stresses and that you are
not in
the place you want to be. I mean the mental place you wnt to be.

I know--the state of the world is insane and problems like countertops
and
shit like that are so inconsequential as to be absurd, but what can I
say?
This is how the karmic wheel turns so love and live and observe and
teach
and continue. El tren de la vida avanza--that is what my Calderon
grandfather always said...so we live, we die, we love, we go insane, we
procreate and we create, we plant seeds and we sow.
You will succeed.
If you can, step back--if not to say, well all will be ok, then just to
breathe.
What tickets? I don't know what tickets you're talking about?

Mariana, you may feel white-ified, but well if you do, you do and if
you
are, you are. It is a strang world we live in and I think we are all
strangers in a strange land. Now that I have a gringo progeny (so to
speak)
I am mellowing in my old age (I will be half a century day after
tomorrow)
and it's all good. Write what's real. Do you want to be a lawyer?
Make
money?Change the world? Do what you have to to get where you want to
be.
I don't think poodle beauty shops are up your alley, but what do I
know?
Look at your sister..what strange paths she has taken to end up on the
same
road...an MD and an indeterminate professional career....in hair coloring?.......as a mom.--well, Do
you
remember what venom she threw my way when she hated me?
Of course, I believe you can never eat too much bread, if it is good
bread
and not Pan Bimbo.
I had high cholesterol last month and have been on the forced oatmeal
for
breakfast diet since October.
Manuel and I watch network tv, what could be worse?
Mi amor, you will never be the hija mala because all my children are
;the
best, the most beautiful, the smartest in the world. Love, y un
abrazo
fuerte de la mama mala.

hi d!

deja vu. It means, literally, that I've already seen
this (it, her, him..) But its argued over-- because
who knows what it really means-- its a creepy feeling
of having already been somewhere or done something,
right? Freud said it was miraculous-- but it's
nondiscriminatory, everyone gets it. I think quacks
think its from a past life--some think its a temporary
lapse in your brain...like you are getting the order
of something wrong--and instead of taking in the
information, you store it as a memory and
simultaneously take in a new scene and think you are
remembering the scene. but its a pretty cool trick. i
remember being absoultely smitten by my mom when she
explained why i felt like i had already seen
something-- i thought she must be the coolest person
in the world to have such lofty and dreamy thoughts.

deja vu-- today i had the wierdest feeling i had been
somewhere-- a corner of the apartment before. the
exact spot. exact view. already seen it, already had
the idea of where to find my keychain since it had
slipped off my keys.

and there it was.

but d, aside from dejavu-- do you know what you
are to me? you're that feeling--only not quite.
because deja vu doesnt garuntee a feeling of belonging
somewhere--just a feeling of having seen or done
something before-- in the case of the keys, it was
kind of like a , oh next i will look here and find
them feeling--

not quite the sigh, breathe out, perfectly content
feeling you give me.

the morning in the funny place our dog helped us in at
ko samet--after our drunken *meal* on the beach? when we
woke up, i looked up, and didnt want to move, didnt
want you to move...just wanted to stay there, even in
that funny cardboard and fabric place---even with all
the noise, even if we both stunk of drunkies who went
to bed without brushing...i just knew, in that moment,
that feeling of deja vu--but , deja life.i had the
feeling of being there with you before, but also had
the feeling that i would have a million more mornings
with you, d, a lifetime of them--and every one i
would wake up feeling exactly the same way, with the
extreme pleasure and almost disbelief that its you in
my arms. and get to fall in love with you all over
again.

hopefully our future will not be as noisy, hmmmm?
but--
you are lovely--each time i feel you in the morning.
each time i wake up and you're not here, i look for
you anwyay.

so i will say that you are est, fut, sera.

are, was, and will be. and this will be my new
francophone addition to the english language.much
better then deja vu, i think. and freud cant screw
with that much.

love you,
mariana

Dear Mariana mariana mariana my french sister---


This week was a nice break, but I kept waking up in
terror about all the bills and resbonsiblites I left
in Austin. Say started new daycare today, sorry I
have not emailed you sooner but we have been juggling
Mr. Say and running around like a chicken with my head
cut off. So this Monday I went and visited Betty and
Mamo....Mamo just had gall bladder surgery, they
told me thay would sit for new Mariana and I thought
that that would be a great cryptic intro for my email
to you. Not a comment that you should move home with
betty.

So I spent 5 days with mom and meanie Mem, we
fight now, you would not believe how teenage and evil
he has gotten. he is also the expert on how I neglect
my son, so there. Actually I know he loves say but
now that Say talks so much he orders mem around and
Mem gets sick of it.

We went last weekend too and we
went out to eat with pam and the highschool kids. Say
was sitting with Pam mom and me and he yells Mem sit
here and pats the chair next to him. Then on Monday
as we were leaving he went to the new high school
and visited Virgie and mem happens to be in that
class, we mortified him by mom and I entering
unannounced. Then Say marsupials onto Mem and won't
go with me.

So I was soo jealous that Stupid Dan the
man got to talk to you and not me. That ass acused me
of ordering everyone around, I was of course, but
noone should expect to show up for turkey and do
nothing. So mom made 4 turkeys and Nina brought one, I
spent most of my time deboning the turkey and sitting
with Say and the Huerta's kids.

So they were all there the Huertas , Jackie's familia and us, no Cynthia
she was sick and went to H-town to visit very preg-gg
Diana and Gabe.

Di will name her son Luciano, Luz for
short, he will be born on April 18th next year. Back
to Turkey day. I drank a shit load and was rude to
Tony and David that little ahole stayed away from me.

Stupid Tony fed Bonnie a raw oyster from Mom's kick
ass fresh oyster stuffing and she puked. I was so
pissed I belive I gave dad an ulitmatium at one point
to tell me who fed it to her so I could kick their
ass. Eric found out it was Tony later.

Bonnie probably annoyed Mom to shreds, but she stayed outside
and is a good dog. Spider on the other hand is a rat
with ears, Lisa had him inside on Mom's lap. Mom
played it off like " I didn't call you, dog."

But she has a soft spot for Lisa. Jackie and Dan told me
Ashlee could live with me this summer 3 months I will
get to have a buddy to go to class with yaeh! and a
built in sitter even better. Ash was with her mom, so
I didn't get to see her.

We saw Grandpa, he looks so
cute in bed, so small and fiesty. But they should be
going home today or tommorrow.

Dave was moody and wierd, as you know the
rest of our brothers are assholes...
Omar looked great. Crystal's baby is Say's clone.
Say loved him and even sucked his toes, cause I
tiold him to kiss his feet....... So Say went shrimping. Then when
he did kiss his face he was like yum a little breast
fed candy. Red stayed up and shot the religous shit
with Dan and Dad, you missed it.

We missed you alot,
sorry your in crisis in Paris....

Don't worry about going where you wanted to go..where
you will go.....if it is in the cards you will get in, you will get
fin aid eventually and you will adjust to living as a
student, which is the most fun thing in the world,
anywhere you go as you can prove.

LA whatthe hell is in LA............. a
good deal ? you would be perfect in entertainment law
you know, I know a hairstylist out there.

So did you finish apps and send money, you need to tell me??
Mom is okay, she needs some TLC from you, she misses you alot
that email I am responding to is so nice

sorry!
I just got a gooey pizza delivered and it is
hampering my typing. Artichoke anchovy basil andolive
yum! with red pepper flakes and parm of course I am a
piggy American after all. Oh go eat stek tartare for
me while your there. So She's bummed and misses you
and Omar is a goof he was like I told you not to send
her, Mom What you never told me that, Omar I told you
to send ME. Har har.

We are extremely lucky, Mom and
Dad will be unrecognizable when you get back as will
you. You are a smart privledged and wonderful person,
you will succed at what ever you do,

........................................................Even if you join
a cult. like i told crystal as long as you pay your
bills and are happy most of the time no one can tell
you anything.

Race.... Well none with a college degree
is who they were when they left their small town, but
they will never not be that small town girl in the big
city, so don't worry---- work on yourself and live life as
an activist, (thats what you are. stop this whining.)
Help others and you will be happy-- you are happy honey.

so this was long
enough huh, I'll write more tommorrow.


Yuni-baboonie

This facebook thing--- go to www.thefacebook.com-- is a way for college kids and alumni to stay in touch, display a picture, let people know what you're up to, etc. It has listings from almost everywhere you can think of-- including my university. I have 143 facebook 'friends' I believe. I look at it sometimes, if only because I recieve random emails once in a while about someone requesting to be my friend.

See, here's how it works: You can search for a friend at any school, and then find them, and request that they be added to your friends. The person then has to 'confirm' your friendship, and there profile is listed in your friends, and visa-versa. If the person denies you as a friend, you are spared the misery of not knowing. Ignorance is bliss, but if the person never shows up on your list of confirmed friends, then you can put two and two together.

My most recent facebook drama? While looking for a friend who's last named began with H, I stumbled upon the ex girlfriend. Who we have had quite a few problems with. And I looked at her profile. She's a pretty girl--and we had 9 friends in common. And D loved her once, and I think he has the best taste ever. But now, after our problems with her, she is not his friend. This makes me feel awful--like a heinous yoko-ono biatch who has broken john lennon from the rest of the beatles-- only to make bad songs and protest war. And I worry that john's creative and loving abilities will be strained, drained, and canned as a result of my presence driving away his one tiem best friend.

I have to add though, that I am not the innocent party as new girlfriend: While in college, I think she was kind of a bully. She scared me. I wont go into details, but she just kind of made me nervous. And so when it turns up that D is still dating her, I got super scared. But he wasnt, but she was still interested--?

I dont know, its all complicated.

But---- I asked D about it recently, and he said he hadnt spoken to her in a long time. And I had the yoko bad feeling. So when I saw her on the facebook, I went ahead and asked her to be my friend.

A part of me figured, if you cant beat em', join em'. But 199% of me thought that I was extending an olive branch, of really wanting to be this person's friend. I am not evil, or awful, or yoko-like, I promise....I am actually quite nice. And I care more about D then anything else in this world--and want him to never ever lose a friend on account of me. How horrible.

Needless to say, she does not want to be my friend.

What would you do? I feel kind of bad--though I am not thinking about it too often.

I mean, did she think I was joking? Or thought I was being mean? I wont try again, but I hope someday she looks back and says, 'You know, that girl was only trying to be nice'.

Once, I had a date with a guy named Ryan. I was a sophomore in college, he was a junior. football player. kind of had a creepy knome like face.

We were supposed to get 'dressed up'--his idea. For some reason, having gone to my university, where people do not date, the boys who have suggested this to me really crack me up.I know thats just awful-- and please, i love getting dressed up and going out--love it.

But for a guy to suggest it-- y--so they want to make sure I know they are going to get 'dressed up'. I have feelings of accompanying my younger brother to church. I guess I would feel more comfy if the guy had said, 'Mariana, I'd like to take you to ________ (fill in name of really nice place). I want to see you in a great dress.' But Ryan said, 'Let's get dressed up. And go out' He kind of grunted all of this, to tell you the truth.

B shows up mid-dressing up process, and huffs around my dorm room, acting as if i have broken some huge fidelity bond by agreeing to go out with Ryan. After we have recently broken up as a result of the lovely Sara.....

He leaves, satisfied that C will go smoke with him and drive around. for some reason, driving around that year was considered a legitimate activity.

But Ryan shows up, and I have on my party dress. He makes really nice comments, even makes me blush. He looks great. I ask him to sit down.

on my inflatable chair--(hey someone gave it to me for high school graduation)

I rush into the closet, looking for my purse. I tell him what i am loking for. He says, oh I think its right here.

I walk out of the closet.

Suddenly, our world moves in slow motion.....the purse i have been looking for is sitting on the coffee table, not two feet from Ryan. I move toward it, my hand reaching out...

and two antennas poke out of the purse....then a huge, mother-of-all roaches crawls out and seems to turn to look directly at me and say,

'yo. found the pretzels you stole from bryan o' neils. and leave me some cardboard lying around sometime girl, i gotta eat a bot more or i'll starve,'

'have fun on the date with mr. beefie'

Oh shame on me. I am only writing in this because 1) I have been endlessly lazy about my website. and 2) I snooped into a coworker's online journal...well, I didnt snoop. She gave me the passcode. So I looked.

She tells the story of how her current boyfriend visited a prostitute 4 years ago. I have no idea how or why he offered this information.

But boy, she could write.

And so I was left feeling horribly inadequate, somewhat sneaky, and all-around poopy for leaving this journal endeavor to the birds. My website---I have no money, and though tempted to make 'fans' pay-- well, I wont. But I promise I will attempt a somewhat update. And continue them..

1. For the lovely D. i am so in love with you D, so much that if you are not here--the world is just not as tasty. hurry january hurry.

2. The convincing chain of comman. So. Looks like I am off to law school in the fall. Dont be dissappointed my pretties, maybe it will be good for me. I am trying to keep an open mind.

3. Work. Grad school. Oh gosh I am boring...

Re: Your mother

I know it's impossibly ironic (and here I must change letters), but I
found that pair of jeans with the 7 on Friday last. the 12th; they were not
in your closet, but draped on a chair in your room. I had gone there to
check things out before taking off to the beach house, when I noticed the
jeans on the chair. I thought to myself, oh there's the heinous pair of
unwanted jeans I had attempted to send...I should return them to the closet, but
when I opened the closet--there was the orphan pair, the wrong pair, then I
looked at the tag of the pair from the chair, when to my wondering eyes
should appear the magical "7" I had searched for to no avail only one
week before.

So what is the lesson here?
Who knows?

I went to a production of Cabaret with P and her drama kids at _______
yesterday.
I was most interested in the costumes, very imaginative
work--kind of Goodwill Gaultier.

We went to eat at China Garden first, where Yuni and Say joined
us. He is talking up a storm now and can say anything parrot-like.
He was looking for you at the San Diego house last time they were down.
He had found a small black plastic rat, and your dad told him, "I think
that belongs to Nana." Then he started saying, "Nana?, Nana?" in his funny
way and walking through the house. You will be amazed when you see him.

So, this is quite a new develpment? marriage? Hmmm.

Again, I could only see that one picture. The attachments look like
they are there, but won't open.
The beach house kitchen is now granite and cream and brown, with two
reminders of the sunny yellow left.

It looks quite pretty and Bob (Vila) is pleased, so hopefully, we'll have a habitable house for the
Thanksgiving feast.

Dear M,

yes. euro bikinis all over.

but constant thoughts remain on the lovely lovely d.

ater such an absence, i am back in my lonely state of living out of a suitcase.

yuck.

so i am thinking of dreams today, which is odd because your last email talked of your dreams to be a superstar pop queen.

oh fuck. can't even write the horrors of such.

but i love you, the dream was bad. i am left wondering if its a subconcious message bs.

i miss you,
m

so.

lobsters- the female carries around a fannypack with the male's sperm, and releases eggs--which she's been incubating for nine months or so into the water, and then sort of unzips said fannypack of sperm into the water so the two can meet, fertilize, etc.

my nephew's babysitter's name is ho. I am thiniking of lobsters for some reason because she looks distinctly like, well, a lobster.

on another note-being away from D is impossibly heartwrenching and painfully burning. itchy burning sensation? um-no. just painful.

i've never been good with anxiety-- i am actually among the least anxious people i know--but i have this sinking feeling that maybe he'll get lost somewhere, not that he has bad intentions at all-but that mabe he is just going to forget this happened--i don't doubt him-i'm just lonely-y depressing myself--but then I have these feelings about working so hard to get to him, to have this life with him---so why do i get that feeling?

now i have to go-sorry its been so long- you know where to find me though

Arrow,

Its not that I think its a pain in the ass-- its just that how do you really expect me to pay for this?

Mariana

*

Arrow,

Okay- so maybe you're right. I am a stingy prude. Go fuck yourself.

Your pissed off sister

*

Arrow,

Oh gosh. What a guilt trip. I'll try and go home- I just don't think its necessary-- I'll go home when my contract is up, I have SEVEN WEEKS OF VACATION.

The Stingy Prude.

*

Arrow,

You know, if I told Dad what you're doing, he'd tell you to leave me alone. You are really one to talk--but you are older and wiser--I am looking at tickets today. Send me your credit card number. ha.

The Brat.

*

Arrow,

No. Its out of the question.

Mariana

*

Arrow,

Yes-- waaaayyy too expensive.

M

*

Arrow,

Thank you so very much. I'll be seeing you in January at home. Deck the halls.

Your forever indebted little sister

Ps. Why did we have to go through all of that? Looking forward to seeing you on the 10th.

*

Oh please, can someone play the drums? A cymbal? Anything at all, so that I can say I had at least a small laugh at the joke of yesterday?

S&C...You're reading this aren't you? I'm not p-ed, why would I be....but I have to say what mighty effort you go through, just to protect me, who you have deemed fragile and wimpy.....BUT. I am Xena, Office Warrior Princess and I know how to walk in high heels and a swimsuit. Oh gosh-- I am a [i]little[/i] p-ed...I mean sheesh- all drama yesterday.

But I have to say thank you for always taking so much care of me.

And now. The punchline. The sweetness of my D. That he will be attentive to the details and see my face needed a joke, move over on a pillow. He knows and asks if I am too warm, hungry, low or high...tired. For me he is wonderfully delicious because of this, because he pays attention. Aware of what I may be thinking, what I might need, what interests me and how to please me.

And then he kissed me. and all in the world was right.

So why would I need anyone's permission to do the right thing?

Complacency. If I had known yesterday morning when he ran back into my bedroom that this would have been happening just hours later, I would have not let him go to work, I would have asked him to stay and hug me all day, to negate whatever I would feel when I hear this.

But I have to believe him- I have to because well then I will be no better then the faithless and jaded.

This world can be so sad--no one makes birthday cakes anymore, do they? From a box, from the movies, from some bad book you'll read on a train --The little prince was right when he said that it will not matter if no one else hears the stars laughing, because the truly necessary is invisible to the eyes--and that one person will hear the stars laughing and that will have been enough.

If you had to call someone from my past and ask them how they felt about me, no one would say they were my boyfriend, no one would even say they still loved me. I think about this this morning...

Why does he come with such heavy baggage? Who is this girl? Do I even want to think of these things?

I think B would say that he hates me. I think after much prodding, you may get him to say that he loves me, but that we ruined our relationship. He is plagued by dementia, however, and a depressed boy. I once asked him if he had ever been sober with me, and he said no. I think he may go on about a specific incident which involved a record. He probably won't answer his phone though.

I think M would tell you he loved me, immediately. If you pressed him, he may say that he was [i]in love [/i]with me, but then he will tell you if you ever try and catch me or tie me down, he'll kill you. He will then insist that you tell him everything about yourself and why you are calling. Then he will warn me that you are a dangerous person. He will deny that he is in love with me if I ask him, though.

I think J, my high school sweetness, would burst into song. I know the song-- "Brown Eyed Girl".

Okay.....my baggage is like a carry-on. D, why didn't you tell me you had checked so many bags? sigh.

Singapore girlfriends? Naked beachhouses falling down? Why is my life such a joke today?

S calls me. Then I cry and call C. She's not there, not answering.

C calls me at noon.

So you still have a girlfriend...and apparently you all are still going strong. Wow.

I think you meant what you said, I don't think you are this person...

Wow. I am so hurt and torn, your explanations may work on me...but then what?

How did he ever think this would be okay? I think of bad things I have done in my life---I've stolen. I once
told my stepmother I hated her. I've told a few lies. I stole some money once from my sister's wallet. I used to sneak out of my house in hs.....I've tried a few drugs..

Okay. But this? How did he even think this would be accomplished?

wow.

this is going to pass right? I won't remember how bad this hurt, right?

But what if I stay in love with you? I said what I meant, meant what I said,whatever, D- you will be the last man I kiss.

Where do I go from here?

a liar. Wow. I have never been this hurt. B left and I said oh well. and knew where I was, but this? ..this?

From the first time he kissed me I knew....but I never thought about him still belonging to someone else; I believed
him.
But if you were just lying to me....what did I do to deserve that?

Alright. Well, I'll be far away. You'll only know what you know from where you stand.

Maybe you meant it all, or maybe you didn't mean anything you said, but thats okay----- I'm still crazy over you, D.

and ow, this is painful..

but what if I'm going to be gone, you'll be in somewhere else, fall into someone else, and you will have settled for someone that wasn't me. Settled?.

But I knew the first time you kissed me. when you really are available.

My mom calls to say the beachhouse is severely damaged in a hurricane. She can't find my father. Then she tells me if I'd like to come home from SINGAPORE I can, but don't worry.

I'm not in Singapore.

This whole day has to be a joke, right? Nope...because then I bust a pen on my hand.

[b]Let's Stay Together [/b]
by Al Green

I, I'm so in love with you
Whatever you want to do
Is all right with me
'Cause you make me feel so brand new
And I want to spend my life with you

Since, since we've been together
Loving you forever
Is what I need
Let me be the one you come running to
I'll never be untrue

Let's, let's stay together
Lovin' you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad

Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad

Why, why some people break up
Then turn around and make up
I just can't see
You'd never do that to me (would you, baby)
Staying around you is all I see
(Here's what I want us to do)

(repeat to fade):
Let's, we oughta stay together
Loving you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad

I, I'm so in love with you
Whatever you want to do
Is all right with me
'Cause you make me feel so brand new
And I want to spend my life with you

Since, since we've been together
Loving you forever
Is what I need
Let me be the one you come running to
I'll never be untrue

Let's, let's stay together
Lovin' you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad

Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad

Why, why some people break up
Then turn around and make up
I just can't see
You'd never do that to me (would you, baby)
Staying around you is all I see
(Here's what I want us to do)

(repeat to fade):
Let's, we oughta stay together
Loving you whether, whether
Times are good or bad, happy or sad

_________________________ _____________________
August 10.

The interconnectedness of airports never ceases to amaze me. You are here, then here, then there--all the time there will be almost no difference in where you are until you leave the premises of the airport itself. A taxi stand, an information kiosk, a sleepy looking kid. A check in desk. Signs and blinking televisions screens. People in a hurry, people standing around waiting for their luggage. Its usually no different then where you came from. In my senseless direction, I think I will be thinking of you.

I can't cross years and time to say that, 'yes- we will end up together.' You just work towards it, say you mean it, and continue boarding your planes on time.

So maybe I'll see you again. But if you don't come, and that turns into next summer, and then maybe next year- well, don't worry.

If this a dream or a crazy idea you let go too far, then thats okay also.

If nothing of this was real....then okay. I think all that matters now is that I think it happened, I will be in love with that and with you.

You are lovely, lovely and amazing.

Patrick Holland is 14 and wants to divorce his father for killing his mother.

*

My sister calls my apartment this morning at 9:00 am my time, 9:00pm her time.

*
Bug?

Yes.

You awake?

Um, yeah. I mean I was getting up--about to get up.

Oh. Good. I was just up having a night cap.

Isn't it barely 9 over there?

Yes. But Eric put the kids to bed. I'm watching Baby Einstein again.

Shit. Wierdo.

Oh whatever, you have to throw out your exciting movies and porn when you have kids--its the law.

So whats up?

I think I am a bad mother.

Um, excuse me?

Yes. I actually don't think-- I know that I am bad mother.

Um. What? You a bad mother? Are you crazy? You are an amazing person and mother-- your children are so well- um, trained.

Exactly. You know that today the neighbors kids were playing in the mud and Jackie came running home to tattle on them?

So what? You want her in the mud?

No. But I want them to be mischevious, to be kids.

What did Sam do?

He just stood there, acting shy. My children are going to be losers. They'll be made fun of. And people will call Sam a momma's boy. And Jackie is a tattle. Oh gosh, and they have never even fought with eachother!

You want them to fight?

Yes!

Um, are you serious?

No. I just feel like I am raising pansies.

*

[i]The conversation goes on. [/i]

Are they pansies? I don't really know. What makes you who you are? Your parents influence what they can--but aren't you predisposed to be someone?

I wake up finally when I step outside of the apartment building. And I remember this hilarious VH1 special saw on Britney Spears. Yeah, I watch VH1 sometimes..... The whole idea of the show was 'driven' to insinuate that she had so much drive to succeed. It was full of old music teachers, her preacher, her mom, and some old competition...It was generally sap. Clips of young Britney at Louisiana fairs singing her heart out. Pictures of her as a kid, performing in a nightgown.

But the thing that was most evident is how her mother wanted to defend how hard Britney worked. Her mom had some things to say about just wanting Britney to be a kid, and only following Britney's dreams when they pursued the Mickey Mouse thing and then later her career.

Hmmm. Just a thought- but what if someone had pushed you to perfom like that? I imagine your uneasiness in front of a crowd wears off over time, especially from the first steps you take on a stage. It will never be relived, you'll become numb to standing up there, the way the microphone fits in your hand will just become like holding a pencil. This will be your routine. You sing songs you don't quite understand--they aren't your lyrics, not what you think...but then someone will give you more of these songs and they will become what you think these songs mean, right?

Then you start making some money-- only a little at first, then a good steady trickle, and your parents decide its best to split the family so that your career can really begin.

You let stylists and makeup artists touch you everywhere, when you look at your cd cover, you don't look anything at all like what you really look like. And you're never scared in front of a crowd anymore.

Sometimes people say mean things about you and you don't know why. Your family uses all your money and people take advantage of you. You watch a VH1 special on you and you wonder when anyone asked you if it was alright. Your creative input is bust, because you long ago decided it was probably best for someone else to write your songs.

Then you're 21. Your whole life has been a moneymaking endeavor. Your angry and you don't know why, you have lost your innocence because thats what happens, right?

You'll never know who you could have been.

My sister isn't raising pansies. She is just raising children like any other parent. You make decisions because all you can think is what won't be harmful...consequences and thought processes, it seems-- go out the door.

I have to say I disagree with her ideas sometimes--because organic oatmeal is 6 dollars, the crappy stuff is 2 dollars. Because her kids love Mcnuggets but she insists they are vegans.

Oh well. At least we all weren't raised my Britney Spears' parents, right?

Dear Mariana,

Today I was thinking that I often disregard our correspondence, only to find I have much to say and no where to write it upon.

Your American friend President Cowboy should call me. I have quite the policy experience and have decided that I, as a supremely intelligent Belgian, could run your country better then he has done thus far.

I will have to make this short. I am thinking that there is something wrong in your family life, because that is when you become saddened and write disgustingly self-deprecating and whiney self-absorbing crap.

Having said this, I believe this is one of two things, or perhaps both of two things: You have decided to fixate on your status as only sane person in that lot of yours or you have convinced yourself that if anyone knew your family secrets (secrets? you fucking put them on the internet...) they would instantly not be in love with you....Hence, the grossly inadequate Betty Bender quote.

You fool. I will not even give you any leeway on this one. I think you have enough rope, so strangle yourself. My advice? Shut up- throw it in in conversation--

Like he will say, 'Darling lover girl, what would you like for dinner?'

and you can simply answer with this:

'Pumpkin. I think you should know my parents are highly entertaining but constantly battling one addiction or another. They once let the twelve year old drive for gods sake! (At this point laugh and throw your hands in the air) So anyway, I had a little too much fun in high school because they were to valium-ed up to note my misbehavior. I still have to have constant watch over them, if you love me you'll just have to witness and deal. Oh, yes-- depression runs in the family also--but not to worry, I have overcome a terribly traumatic episode with ease and now whenever the lithium is needed for one person or another, I am a pretty keen nut house nurse.'

And he will most undoubtedly continue ogling you and thinking that he is the luckiest person on earth.

Cross that fucking bridge when you get there. If he doesn't ask, you're not 'keeping' something from him: You're simply deciding that if he sticks around long enough to witness your mother and father throwing shoes and then kitchen utensils and alcohol at a pizza delivery man, he will--like I did, and your other friends have--still love you.

Stop your bitching, dear. You grew up lovely.

Love always, your M

*

M,

Ha. You nailed it. I haven't posted for a long time because of my own embarassment over the whine and cheese droplets.

Betty Bender was appropriate, you asshole. Mem called the other day and said things are getting bad. Dad's in HK. So I just extended my stay at home..We'll see how it all goes.

Yeah. So maybe I could just say it. But why even bother? My life and that life (Read: previous life) are all just what made me me. I just worry he'll be shocked. Ruined. Worried about what I could do...feel sorry for me? Be obligated if I tell secrets?

But not so worried. I was worried sick when my brother called...and had no one to tell that I was worried sick. I can tell C but she can't hear it all over again, because she has seen it and just chooses to ignore it, and say, 'Well thats life'. Which I do most of the time, except when I feel like its a bit too obviously affecting things in my life.

Oh pooey. I can whine all I want on my little world here.
I think everything is better at home--she just had one episode. No driving. Or pizza. Thanks for recalling that.. they are after all, somewhat endearing.

I love you terribly and miss you,

Mariana

*

Dear Mariana,

Oh darling. Shut the fuck up. Your parents are dazzling and hilarious.

And you grow up, right? You may always be able to fly home and see that they are not allowing your brother the car, credit cards, and guns, etc. but you cannot police them for the rest of your life. You father's work has always been a drain on everyone--your brother calls you because he trusts you, and knows you will come running. But---you have to hear this from someone: You will not always have to go running.

He will have to grow up, just as you did. You can't protect him.

Go home if it makes you feel better. Stay and mop up their messes. Give your brother rules and guidelines.

Write to me more often. I can't wait to see you this fall.

Love you,

M

*

Dear M,

You know you can be bossy. I'll go home and just check on things--no harm there.
Thanks for the friendship.

Mariana

*

Dearest Texan,

I have to write that because yesterday I saw a tshirt that read, "And on the 8th day God created Texas."

You really are full of yourselves. Don't thank me for friendship, make me famous and post my emails to your little bloggy. I've posted yours on my website, only to find that your writing is horrific and boring. If only you were a little slut, then we'd all actually enjoy reading of your adventures.

Love, M

Ha! I bet you liked that little subject line! So how's Chowtown? You know, I would just ignore that freak wonton and act like you have a husband.... I cannot BELIEVE he not only emailed you, but emailed you a horribly suggestive message...heeeheee, thanks for the forward, though....You know you love him.WARNING! This email is long, and riti-d out, and you'll need a bit to read it...

1. Thank you for yesterday, I was about to start crying, you saved me.

2. Thank you for answering my question because checking trranscripst online is stupid. (Read: Impossibly difficult) So, I tried to start an app to get my health ed certification, and well..wierd, but I actually did start crying. I just remembered all of the great teachers I've had in my life- and thought how happy anyone of them would be to know that I wanted my teaching certificate.......but Tada! To get it in Texas, there may be some fucking problems...because I had a little ticket-loo and a revoked licencia, well...I may need to wait a full calender year. What the fuck is this you say? Yeah, exactly...but apparently there are ways around it- so we shall see..BUT. To get it in New York State, all I need is- a bachelors degree....and TADA. So I could establish residency if....

3. Okay...Long explanation.

4. I miss you.

5. EDITED

6. My dad gets here today. Hopefully he will feed me. I am starving. I wanted chicken on a stick this morning....D was with me- so I had to hide my rhino away. Poor girl, all she wanted was a little chick-y claw. No, we didn't have any time.. Me, worrying about time? Ha. What is this boy doing to me?

7. About D---C, In know this may be insane but can you love someone form the first time you kiss them? I know thats the last thing you want to hear from little miss broken heart...but you know how I told you about how D makes me feel- like everything I knew was true but hadn't tasted yet? For him, wow. Okay- and this is absolutely the wierdest...I can't believe I am thinking this way. I am completely crazy for him. But what he does is just RIGHT. I have no doubts, ever- I just knew. How could I come all this way to fall into someone who lived a mile away from us??

8. I am learning the language script...yesterday I learned the middle consonants.., includes the letter D...and then the long vowels...which yes, includes the vowel sound /ao/ but its wierd because your name is a/d/o... Dao! Your name! But, now I can write it now! And I can recognize it also!! (By the way, my friends at volunteer think that we are crazy for having these funny names..everyone wants one, but no one can be Dao and Malee)
So now this morning and yesterday I was just pointing out all the middle consonants to D and I know he thought I had lost it. Jeez. I am lame, but you've known that for years.

9. I am a nerd.

10. Enough of the bull. No I mean Cow, Me the cow..

11. Yesterday when we got off the phone, K confronted me AGAIN- about talking to you in spanish, about why I 'seemed upset' about how she thought I didn't [i]want to [/i]know the important things I NEEDED to know, about how she was just trying to continue MY work to help me...And then she asks me to talk about it with her, so we could 'make sure and work it out'...because she 'just wanted me to know she was only here to help me.' (Okay....now comes the evil me talking, be warned...but this is AFTER she fucking went and told my boss that she had found some article she took off my FUCKING workstation, and then he comes and asks her about it and she CAN't EVEN EXPLAIN IT.. because I know codification law, and lets just remember she is an [i]'international defense' [/i] major.....AHHHHHHHHH!!!)

Why me? Why? I have never really had to work with someone I didn't like...I mean KCEV started to blow because of those ladies always up in my biz-naz, but the restuarant was so much fun, and Fred was so sweet all through college, and tutoring was a blast, and my jobs in high school -with the exception of working for that ass Jesse and then for my little bro at the pool- well, they were all fun- and rewarding, and no one could make me have a bad day, ever.

But this time------ you would be so proud! I said:

...drum roll...

"Look, K..I don't want you coming to me and asking me if I have a problem with you and if I want to talk about it---(that part said sarcastically, to mimic her whiney voice), because I do have MANY problems with your behavior here.(that part said very seriously) If you want me to fucking say so, then we can have that little talk.(looked her right in the eye!) If not, then lets just keep playing nice, okay?"

hoootieee hooo...!

Yes.

Then she said, "But look, I just want to say that I don't want to come off as..."

Then I cut her off, and said "You already came off as that Kay. I think this conversation is over."

She was stunned. She said [i]this[/i] though

(and ewww, I wanted to throw my Tarzan pencil holder cup at her)

"Well." (she makes a little [i]hmphhh[/i] sound) And then she says:

"I am sorry I come here everyday. I am sorry I do work. I don't have fun things to do. My friends aren't here. I don't drink like you. I'm just trying to do my job."

So I answer with :

"I'm really not going to be petty and have some dramatic blow out with you K, I don't want to waste my time and energy on that. I don't like this confrontation one bit, can we please stop?"

"I wasn't trying..."

"Okay then" (I cut her off AGAIN!..Dang I am good.)

She leaves.


So, because I am Xena, Warrior Office Princess, I think, [i]'wow..she's out of my hair now, for good![/i]' I thought I had done it, you know-exterminated her??

But...give the Toucan five minutes and she comes back into my cubicle area (where I am still sort of laughing about how good it felt to say those things to her finally. Yes, I know I know- You told me so. But I needed a good long time to get that upset, I wish I had balls...but I don't at all, and finally I said something!!! Woooohooo!)

So she comes back...and she asks me if I want some dam motherfucking cookies.

sigh.

Ignorance, as in her racial comments-- I can take. Stealing my work and passing it off as her own--I can handle that. Ratting on me to the boss- I can take. Working under/behind me instead of following my directions---No problem. Talking smack about my university, my clothes, my typing, my friends, my room, my fucking [i]backpack[/i]...---I can take that too. Rolling her eyes when I ask her to do a job----OKay. Hiding important information from me--Its all good.

But who can take someone who offers you cookies?????

***LONG DRAWN OUT SCREAM***

heeheeehheee.
Okay. All done...Oh, wait..I forgot number 12.

12. Call me and I'll tell you...

Miss you terribly, and am dying of boredom in my office..

Mariana

(My baby brother, Mem, is fourteen....)

Mariana?

Hey!

Hey.

Whats going on? How are you?

Fine...

Mem?

Yeah?

Wassup? Are you okay? I talked to mom just like two days ago.

I think this girl across the street from the beach house kind of likes me.

O.

Yeah. But then she acts really mean. Like she told some girls from the other dock street that I was all into her....but I was just acting normal...so I said that..and now she won't call me back...and her little sister threw me the finger.

Ouch. Did you do anything?

I just called her. I feel like she's just a liar, because I thought we liked eachother and then she acts like this- she won't act normal anymore. And the grandkids are here and I am so sick of them...I can't do anything, ever. Mom acts like I am a prisoner.

She can be pretty evil, I know...

yeah.

So what do you think you should do?

I think I want to throw something at this little sister.

I do too. But don't, okay?

Yeah.

mem?

Yeah?

You may think I am crazy, but just act like you don't like her. Don't say anything bad, or do anything mean, just ignore her- don't call her. And she'll come around. If she doesn't- well, then she's just not your girl.

Ignore her?? But she acted like I was bad for saying we were just friends.

Yeah. Girls. But now, just ignore her. She'll come around.

Okay. If you think so.

Yeah, I do. Anyway--is eveyrthing else okay?

I think so.

I liked hearing from you.

I can call you--I bought this phone card thing, I can use on my cell phone.

My cell phone.

Your old cell phone. ( He laughs)

Mem, be cool- your summer's fun?

Yes. I miss you.

I miss you too.

Bye, I love you.

I love you too bye bye Mem. Call me whenever

ok, bye.

*


GIRLS!! WHAT THE ...? Why, why why? Its odd that this happens, while I am on my lunch hour- my kid brother, who I love so much, calls me, I mean- because it was on my mind.

Last night, D and I are talking about getting your heart broken. From what he says, I feel like throwing something at this girl, I feel like he knows exactly what I mean when I say my heart...well..it just ceased, stopped, couldn't breath, everything was out of the question..he goes on to talk about some episode that sounds like girl drama... I say, 'it kind of sounds like you've had a past with some dramatic girls'
he says, 'well, you know....girls....'
I say, 'some.'

My philosophy? Write this one down, or argue with me-- I'm cool--but here's what I think after years of observation of my own behavior, and as a priveleged member of the girl species, well--watching other women/girls/etc...

Here's the way it goes: Girls. You like them, they're amazing, fun, everything..then you kiss them..and suddenly--may be years, may be two minutes--thinks aren't so cool.

Why? 2 very apparent reasons, with the third option only for extreme cases.

1) insecurities
2) obligatory end syndrome
3) either you or she, or both, are insane, commited...turned into a goat by an evil ghoul, whatever..we'll make this the extreme case that covers all cases that don't appl to reason 1 and 2, okay?

1) [u]Insecurities[/u]. The second you kiss us, every insecurity we've ever had is augmented. It sucks, but girls- we do this. I may have never thought of how little my breasts are before D kissed me, but after...well. My insecurities?
a-my breasts
b-i am racially sensitive
c-being from a big family, i sometimes tend to feel like no one is listening to me.

Okay. So... I fucking OWN these things. I know they are me, and thats it. So no drama from them...but other girls...well sometimes we can be whack as a result of insecurity issues... and you may never know what set them off, right? It could be some tiny thing you did/touched/said/moved/wh atever..but you hit it, and then didn't apologize for it, and so we want to be whack. And it ends...as a result of misbehavior from insecurities and your not knowing how to handle said insecurities.

2)[u]Obligatory end syndrome[/u]. Most women, though many many many will not admit it are 'end' visualizers...they see well, an ending to the story they begin. So some, they like you/kiss you and then think of babies and wedding dresses...some think of a fuck buddy to be drunk with...some think of a friend to kiss on sometimes and use...some think of a relationship of holding hands...[i]Whatever they think[/i]...these are just examples--All of us may vary. But when that end is not accomplished, or you get in the way---well, in comes the drama. In the case of my brother Mem--I think little girl next door thought she had snagged a boyfriend, my kid brother in his naivety thought they'd continue to be friends and get to know eachother..he screwed that by saying so to mutual friends...and now she has drama to throw out.

Now....how do I deal with these things?*

*Note: I will not tell you how to deal...I only know what I know...I just want to share..I wish you luck, though..

I don't. Weeellll, I do...but I don't. I know my insecurities fairly well.. they are a distinct part of me, my definitions are very clear- I know what will set them off, and I try and not blame others when they are set off. Hence, no drama.

Obligatory-end syndrome? Don't have it. I've seen it go down far too many times. My idea of an end is not an end...You will, inevitably--and through no fault of yours or anyone elses--end up where you should end up. Imagining and depending on and end will only get you in trouble..even if you do it subconsciously. I ask myself, What do I want from this person? My answer should be nothing at all. But not negatively-- I mean, how could I want anything else? You should be happy with the person you choose to like/kiss/etc etc...not expecting/obligating more. Now, this doesn't mean you're meak and weak etc etc....It means you understand their weaknesses, you know they will hold your hand through where you're going, you want their happiness before yours, you don't stop believing in them, they pull their share, and so forth. At fourteen or at 104, its all the same: Love people, they'll love you back. Be smart about who you choose to share your self with, they'll appreciate it. Don't hold things against people. Have no grey area- Make sure that he or she wakes up and has faith in you.


Yes... I really, at the end of the day, may fool myself into knowing something. But I don't pretend to know anything at all--- all i know is what i know from where i stand.

and I don't like little girls who toy with my brother's emotions.

I love waking up to D.